· Too salty.
· Time-travel app does not automatically adjust for Julian calendar.
· When used as tanning bed, battery life is limited.
· Not rhino-proof.
· Salesperson in Apple Store not wearing ironic “jazzman” hat.
· Not available in soothing Harvest Gold color.
· Strange odor coming from husband while using iPad.
· For $499, I was expecting a few more sequins.
· No USB port for whatever it is that they do.
· The iBookstore ichthyology section includes almost nothing on lampreys.
· When used as murder weapon, oleophobic coating does not completely eliminate incriminating fingerprints.
· Copying document files requires installation of forty-dollar iCarbonCopy app.
· Virtual cup holder does not actually hold cups.
· Unwilling to buy anything from Apple ever since Steve Jobs killed my parents.
· Insufficient media coverage.
· Original iPad was good enough for Grandpa and it’s good enough for me.
· Upscaling makes porn unexpectedly upsetting.
· After owning a Kindle for three weeks, I have become deeply loyal to the brand.
· The virtual keyboard is too %&@#! hard to use.
· New York Herald Tribune not available online anyway. ♦