Here is the rest of Dr. Kenner's recent tweet:
From the serious romance guidebook (SelfishRomance.com)
The Selfish Path to Romance:
How to Love With Passion and Reason
Quote Number:
1
Romantic love is a strong, emotionally intimate relationship between consenting adults that combines an intense valuing of a partner on the deepest level and the enjoyment of sexual pleasure with that partner.
2
Notice how much we experience ourselves from the inside. Alone, however, it is impossible to fully integrate these elements into a directly perceivable view of who we are as a total person.
5
It's no accident that one of the most painful complaints you can make about your partner is that he (or she) makes me feel invisible, unimportant, like I don't exist.
10
Is a 'me only' policy any better than a 'them only' policy? Aren't these two sides of the same sacrificial coin? In both cases, someone plays the role of the victim.
11
Loving a narcissist is a frustrating painful and ultimately heartbreaking experience because they have unlimited wants but have nothing positive to offer another person.
29
. . . emotions often do feel 'mysterious.' They happen so fast! They are actually very quick, automatized reactions involving your personal values and standards - information you've stored in your subconscious. Emotions have everything to do with your ideas and what you personally value.
29b
If she had taken the trouble to understand her emotional responses to Sam, and their causes, she would not have been surprised by the outcome of the relationship, and might have broken it off early on.
43
Genuine self-esteem does not depend simply on your practical successes and failures but on your method of thinking and your choice to act on the basis of your best thinking.
52
Unanalyzed FEELINGS are not good guides to ACTION. Active THINKING about what you want, followed by action, bring vitality to your life.
54
Imagine being 80 years old looking at old photo albums with your kids or grandkids. What adventures, achievements and experiences would you like to share with them?
55
There are two errors when it comes to your looks. You can think that looks are everything - and spend your life in front of a mirror trying to look 'just right.' Or you can disregard or deliberately ignore your appearance: living as a shlump and paying no attention to your looks, or intentionally making yourself look unappealing.
66
You'll want to resolve any contradictory impression you have of your potential partner in order to tie all your knowledge together to get a concise, clear picture of this person's character.
69
The ideal goal is a harmony between your emotional response and your rational appraisal. If there is any conflict between the two, it will feel like a red flag.
71
You experience an attraction or repulsion to another person's sense of life as an emotion that is much deeper than infatuation; you feel a deep strong connection.
72
To discover a potential partner's actual values, don't just listen to what this person says; also look at their choices, actions and responses over time.
73
Belonging to the same religion, sharing the same secular philosophy, being of the same race or nationality, sharing the same social background - none of these guarantees romantic compatibility.
77
Personality clashes that are bothersome during the dating process, when both parties are allegedly on their best behavior, typically worsen with time.
80
An interesting phenomenon often occurs regarding looks: when you ardently love your partner's soul, your partner seems more beautiful to you physically.
82
Anyone who wants to establish a long-term relationship is faced with the question: What's essential in a partner for my happiness?
83
Of those remaining in your potential "love pool," pay special attention to anyone who makes you feel fully visible and is a joy to be with.
88
What you say to yourself when you're rejected is critical. Your inner thoughts are based on your fundamental ideas about yourself, about romance and about life in general.
89
Finding the right person is hard work. So expect that most individuals you will meet will not be the right one, but remember the rewards of finding your soul mate are well worth your effort.
90
The main reason for (romance) fading (aside from a poor match, or partners moving in incompatible directions) is letting the love relationship "go on automatic," letting it be carried along solely by emotion.
91
Emotions can't help you make the thousands upon thousands of decisions and take the actions that have to be made over many years to sustain a passionate, intimate romantic relationship.
101
A partner of substance will surely want, in addition to compliments on their looks, something more profound - something specific about character, mind, values, and way of approaching career and life.
102
To keep your lives together and the conversation interesting over a period of years, you will want to be mentally active and alert - always learning and discovering new things, acquiring new tastes, choosing new values, studying new ideas, acquiring new knowledge.
114
Small gestures like a hug and wishing your partner a good day at work and later asking how the day went may seem simple but they make both of you feel valued by the other.
128
The doctrine of altruism would say that you should forgive almost anything - regardless of the harm done to you and regardless of any remedial steps taken on the part of the hurtful partner. Any doctrine that preaches such self-immolation is not a moral doctrine.
130
Unjust anger can be resolved only by addressing and eliminating the causes, and by then focusing on the
positive qualities (if there are enough), that you cherish in your partner.
134
If you allow constant parental abuse or intrusiveness, you are sanctioning it by your silence - which means you are choosing your parent(s) as a higher value than your partner. For romance to thrive, you need to protect your privacy and establish proper boundries with your parents.
136
It is not the case that all the money has to be jointly managed, but a couple should always discuss important money matters together.
137
"If your loved one is your highest, most selfish, most important social value, then you will want to treat that person accordingly - and your partner will want to treat you similarly."
142
"In contrast to the spiritual and physical views, our view of sex holds that more than any other pleasure, sex involves the integration of mind and body."
143
"Sex is an intensely selfish pleasure and is based on both a deep emotional connection with your partner and a selfish desire to give your partner equal pleasure."
148
"A common mistake many women make is to view their male partner's passion and frequent advances as a purely physical urge, rather than as a desire for mutual intimacy."
152
"Creativity isn't something that should be used only in business or home decorating. Use it in sex and keep the enjoyment alive over the years."
153
"After sex it may be helpful to ask if your partner enjoyed it. This teaches you what your partner likes and dislikes so you'll know what and what not to repeat and how to make the next experience more pleasurable."
156
"It is true that active, productive people have to make time for sex, but sex shouldn't be relegated to the category of a spare time activity."
161
"Even though you may be similar to your partner in many fundamental respects, inevitably there will be differences in beliefs, values, interests, preferences, tastes, habits, attitudes, and personality traits."
162
"Each of us grew up having different life experiences, different ground rules in our families' homes, different ways of managing friendships, different relationship histories, different ways of approaching work and romance."
163
"Even reasonable, optional differences may cause conflict because one partner feels, on a gut level, that his or her views and habits are morally right and that the partner's are wrong."
165
"Since you and your partner - despite differences - have values and ideas in common, there is often a natural assumption that your partner should be able to read your mind and thus always know what you are feeling, thinking, or wanting."
166
"Any time you feel frustration or resentment toward your partner over an issue, don't let the feeling fester, Bring the issue up tactfully and discuss it."
167
"The refusal of a partner to trade, even in everyday actions, will be perceived as unfair, a breakdown of the give and take in the relationship."
169
"To overcome poor communication patterns you must first detect any dysfunctional methods that you use and learn to uproot and replace them."
170
"To overcome poor communication patterns you must (also) be able to detect when others use such methods against you and to avoid getting into dysfunctional cycles of attack and counterattack."
180
"If you try to fake a sweet demeanor when you are actually upset, it is only a matter of time before your sweet veneer dissipates. Even if your words come out measured and "sweet," your body language or restrained tone of voice will betray your actual feelings."
195
"An ongoing process of open communication and compromise can help turn a stressful undertaking like child rearing into a bonding experience."
197
"Sometimes the underlying problem is that partners are not addressing the real issue. The resisting partner mat not want to acknowledge or may not explicitly know what the real issue is."
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