Divorce after 50

Divorce at any age can be difficult, but divorce after 50 can present extra challenges.

“When you’ve been married 25 or 35 years, you have planned your life with that person” says Brittany Hall, Attorney at Law with Cape Fear Family Law in Wilmington.

Child custody with older couples is generally less of an issue, but there is usually more property involved. When considering divorce, Hall recommends collecting as much information as possible such as bank records, medical records, information about Social Security benefits and retirement.

Having information readily available will assist the attorney with helping you. Also, having to subpoena that information will cost the client more money. “The paperwork involved in a divorce is worse than buying a house” says Hall.

Denise Scearce, counselor and advocate for children and families at Coastal Care Counseling in Wilmington, recommends first and foremost trying to salvage the marriage. She suggests getting professional help such as going to a counselor.

“Divorce is expensive and there can be a lot of litigation” says Scearce. She also suggests looking for a collaborative divorce group. Lawyers who are trained in collaborative law work to resolve divorce cases in a collaborative and peaceful manner and may be a positive alternative to contested litigation.

Hall agrees that it is important to make sure divorce is the route you want to go as the process can be stressful. “It’s emotional, like a death in the family” says Hall in regard to the grief one can experience when getting a divorce.

If divorce is inevitable, Hall offers the following tips:

• Don’t try the do-it-yourself separation agreement. There are many separation agreements available online, but Hall says many people get into trouble using them. “Online agreements are often incomplete or not valid and may end up not being enforceable” says Hall. She recommends talking to an attorney right off the bat.
• When things start to get rocky in your marriage and you see divorce in the future, start to pay attention to what is going in and out or your bank account. Hall recommends getting copies of important documents, such as bank, retirement and social security statements. Hall says that many women aren’t sure what their financial assets are because many times their husbands handled all of the bills. She also says that having those documents readily available will help ease cost and facilitate the process.
• See if a separation agreement is available out of court. Attorneys sometimes will push clients into litigation costing clients more, when it’s not necessary. Try to negotiate the separation agreement out of court if possible.

Try not to have any preconceived notions about life after divorce. “You may have to get a job even though you have stayed home throughout your married life” says Hall. Settlements may not be what you expected such as more retirement instead of lifetime alimony. Try to be open-minded about how your life will look after divorce.

For older adults, building a life after divorce is frequently a challenge. Married social lives can become divorced social lives. Friends sometimes fall away or choose one partner to befriend over the other. Socialization within the family changes. Family dinners and dividing time with grandchildren are all new stressors.

For social support after divorce Scearce recommends being involved in churches, divorce after-care groups, trying to network and find groups that you can be involved in.

Sharon Underwood who experienced divorce after 50 agrees with the importance of getting out and meeting people. “You have to get out there, you can’t sit at home and feel sorry for yourself” says Underwood. She recommends meeting people by getting involved in a church or participating in a singles group.

Shelley Morse, director of the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at UNC-Wilmington, an educational program for adults 50+, says she sees two types of loss with their students, divorce and death.

“What many people are looking for in our classes is company and community participation as they reconstruct and redefine their lives,” says Morse. She says that signing up for a class is a safe way to take a risk and meet new people in the community and possibly ignite new friendships.

Resources

Cape Fear Family Law, 910-210-0349

Coastal Care Counseling, 910-265-6163

Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, 910-962-3195