Self Esteem™

Wassup y’all?! You already know who it is and you already know what it is. It’s election season, and as usual, some politicians who did nothing useful except draft their own political obituary and grab a prime spot at the political graveyard are headed for political oblivion to rest a bit until the next election cycle when they will rise from the dead to make another futile attempt. As y’all know, socialites got no time for the losers, coz as they say, “Where the money is, that’s where the pussy goes. Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But these dense socialites are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash especially if you got some change to spare.

Socialites are also on the campaign trail not selling manifestos, but selling their dick sucking credentials to potential occupants of the next parliament. These are bitches who will pull up their leggings up to their chin just to show show off their dirty ass pussy prints in public. It’s a cold July so you’d think these hoes would try wearing some warm clothing, but nah! They’re not wasting any chance to show off their bed bug bites in them skimpy dresses they’re rocking. So, if you see some barely dressed hoes with homongous booties and fake eyelashes dancing on top of trucks in a campaign caravan, don’t think mheshimiwa hired a couple of strippers to spice up his empty promises, it’s a bunch of socialites competing on who can twerk best on your MPig. By the way, I guess y’all ladies know those fake eyelashes you’re buying are just pubes and overgrown butt hair? Anyway, since politicians are wasting our taxes on these hoes, I’m proposing that socialites should be forced to wear uniforms like those worn by rally drivers for us to easily identify their sponsors. On a serious note tho, I’m surprised no politician has placed the exorbiant price of pussy on the campaign agenda. Niggas, y’all need to only vote for MPs who are serious about bringing the price of pussy down since a man can’t live on ugali alone. He also needs to bust a nut too, ama namna gani?

Ah, I’m losing focus here, lets get back to important issues….

Yup, this time I’m here to educate y’all about the psychological disease called VIRGINITY. A lot has been said and written on this, but generally virgins are idealized as heavenly and pure while non-virgins are condemned into the same category as prostitutes. That’s some sad shit right there! It’s unfair to lump girls who just want to enjoy their sexuality together with whores charging an access fee for a piece of meat. I’m yet to understand the justification behind commercialising a piece of their anatomy God gave out for free. I mean, it’s like a Chief selling govt relief food, right? That’s the reason even high class whores like socialites Vera Sidika and Huddah never get any respect in the social class in which they circle.

I’m not here to talk about Huddah and her lower caste colleagues in Karumaindo, but rather why virgins are idealized and non-virgins are dismissed as hoes. I figured someone would have offered a balanced opinion on this issue by now, but naaah. I guess it has to be me… Our society is fucked up. Honesty is missing and I’m just what the doctor ordered. So grab a seat, the class is now in session!

Since waaay back when I was a small boy and no use for my dick except for wetting the bed, virginity has always been a hot topic. Ok, I don’t know what God was thinking when he created women, tho I’m glad he was thinking it. I mean, what kind of uncultured swine doesn’t find ladies irresistable? I know ladies love when we make fools of ourselves chasing them too like when a dude tries to holla at a girl in a mall, circling around her fifteen times like a vulture closing in on his prey. Anyway, what baffles me is what made God put a breakable tissue full of blood at the very door of the sexual opening of the female, so carefully placed at that entrance, like a ribbon tied at the entrance of a new ‘development project’ about to be launched by our president? Why is it filled with blood that spills away when it is broken? Why? Without doubt, the ‘hymen’ or ‘cherry’ is a locked gate without a key so anybody wanting to have a view inside has to break in and that bloody barrier (pun fully intended) disappears forever.

The hymen has long been regarded as the marker of a girl’s sexual purity and innocence, hence the word virgin, as in her pussy ain’t welcomed a dick yet. But this is a myopic view of things, coz not all virgins are virgins. As y’all know, virgins, like dinosaurs, are vanishing from the Earth. What’s more common than the pure virgin nowdays, is the girl who is a virgin “but not in all holes”, as in “technically a virgin”. Y’all know who got the largest monopoly of the world’s virgin girls? Yup, it’s the Taliban… I bet y’all got no idea that the girls, some as young as 12 years, love giving backshots to those Sheiks as their duty to support the Jihad, coz they gotta preserve the front for their future husbands. The idea of going to bed on clean white sheets then waking up to the Japanese flag is definately a top of the line fantasy for most niggas with a virgin fetish, but these dense mofos don’t know while they’ve been killing time masturbating their asses off waiting for their wedding night, that ‘virgin’ whore has been casually taking it in the ass and sucking random niggas dicks like lollipops but niggas will still brag how they bagged a decent loot. If that’s the life you want, more power to you.

It’s also true that some of the praise and worship team leaders in Pastor Kiuna’s Church saving themselves for marriage have a version of virginity that got a lot of grey areas, not “50 shades of grey” grey, per se, but more like doing “everything but”, in order to stick with God’s plan. They’re busy giving us directions to heaven yet they own 12 inch dildos (I’m not a 100% tho, it’s a rumour I heard). IMO, virginity loss is just a myth, it doesn’t exist, you simply never had sex yet. In fact, you don’t lose shit but gain some valuable experience you could use as a stepping stone to launch your hoe career. Loss of virginity should be defined on the basis of when a chic makes her sexual debut whether anal, oral or masturbation. If you wanna keep yourself chaste make it complete bitches!

This fad of virgin brides started way back in the stone age, when some caveman decreed that a woman was useless for marriage without an intact hymen, and to this day, grown up men with grey beards, receding hairlines and wrinkled nutsacks are still obssessed with the idea of deflowering a virgin… So much that terrorists volunteer on suicide missions to earn a reward of 70 virgins in the afterlife the moment they whisper their mass murder credentials into God’s ear at the pearly gates. If I were a terrorist, I’d demand my reward right here on earth coz honestly, how many virgin girls get to heaven anyway? Their delusions of a good sexlife acquire a new meaning when St. Peter tells them to “Go to hell”, and I mean literally, only to find Judas ushering guests to a sex orgy, and their host, devil himself waiting to rip apart their virgin rectums using his horns. By the way, y’all noticed lately terrorism is regressing? I bet the terrorists are realizing that they won’t get the virgins in heaven as promised. Before, they used to blow up buildings and aircraft but now they only do hit and runs. Throwing stones at crowds or hitting people with cars then run is the new terrorism… They don’t want to die, they want virgins delivered to their bedroom. I mean cave.

But why should the meaty intrusions of past lovers be of concern to men deciding which women to pump and dump and which women to date with more rigorous romantic investment, with marriage as the end game. Virginity was a necessary evil in the days of yore. Throughout most of human existence, a woman with a sordid history of lovers presented multiple risks for the man intending to devote his resources to her and the raising of any children they would have. (“Would” being the operative word, since sex for most of our contraceptively poor ancestors usually led to children irrespective of our wishes). In short, a ninja wanted to be sure that he wouldn’t be risking his life trying to protect a bunch of losers if some beast decided they would be a good meal for dinner yet he wasn’t even their father. A virginal bride guaranteed she wasn’t possibly carrying the sperm residue of a recently discarded lover, and if she stayed monogomous, then all the kids who fell out of that pussy had undisputed paternity.

This is not a big concern today, thanks to condoms and the pill severing the connection between sex and insta-pregnancy. Infact, sexual liberation for females took it’s baby steps after the discovery of birth control, it was like independence day for them, they finally got the freedom to explore their inner hoe… All ladies are hoes, remember? If birth control was the baby steps of sexual liberation, then the discovery of Penicillin took it to the fuckin skies.. Yup, that’s about the time the first prostitute set up shop, and every woman followed suit!

I have no issues with our ancestors wanting virgin brides due to limited scientific capabilities, but why would men idealize some membraneous tissue on a vagina in 2017? Everybody is busy dreaming and idealizing while ignoring the social dynamics of today’s world. Women empowerment lessens poverty but creates a whole bunch of problems. Y’all niggas are trying to normalize prostitution but still want a virgin to wife… Hypocrites! It’s a fact that most of y’all fellas are proud owners of second hand cars and bargain for discounts on your second hand underwear, but you still want a brand new vagina on your wife…

I don’t understand why you’re okay with high mileage on that jalopy, or the fact that you could catch some ruthless herpes rocking that ‘designer underwear’ last owned by a gay pornstar, but you decree that a hoe who has racked a few miles on that pussy ain’t welcome in your bedroom. Y’all believe a seal on that kitty makes it special, huh? Fuck that, nowdays even women themselves think that virgins are higher value than hoes, that’s why they’re throwing big money going for hymen restroration procedures. Yup, we now have ‘made in China’ hymens for a bargain at a clinic near you just in case one of you hoes wants to go into early retirement and wants to fool one of these dense niggas obsessed with virginal brides. If you’re one of those Kenyans whose sole ambition in life is to marry a virgin, good luck with the hunting bruh!

Finding a legal virgin in Kenya is harder than the possibility of Waititu beating a class two pupil in a spelling bee coz our entire country is now just a huge brothel. I’m saying this coz I know the only virgins left are in the maternity wards and you don’t want your tail getting locked up at Kamiti for paedophilia courtesy of that Odunga fella. Sure, every mum tells her girls to stay pure till their knight in shining armour rides along to sweep them off their feet into marital bliss.. And yes, mum’s ‘little angels’ will guard that virginity with their life until puberty knocks and they grow some titties. Their whoremornes flare up then they start catching dicks and soon, their body count starts piling up like a serial killer.

If marrying a virgin is non-negotiable to you however, you can fly out and try your luck in the Virgin Islands, I heard that’s where they take worn out hoes for a retread . On a serious note, I think men who never had their day with a virgin during their teenage years are the ones who feel compulsion to marry one, unlike some of us who did time in devirgination squads right from the day we got our first boner…. Yup, we were getting all the fresh pussy and it was a cool thing then. Well, it sure boosts a man’s ego being a girl’s first time, prolly coz men are born explorers. It’s the same testosterone fuelled competition that makes them risk their lives just to be first to conquer virgin territory, only to plant a flag and leave, same as the rush to conquer the moon only to discover it’s a useless mass of rock. But if you’re over 20 it’s damn right stupid to be chasing kids skirts looking for a hymen to burst. Those bragging rights only matter to boys who are yet to grow a beard…

A virgin may be the dream girl to some men, but to most of us they’re not worth the hustle. Their appeal is fuelled by ignorance coz there’s nothing about a hymen which increases a woman’s sex appeal. Will a hymen make a pussy of a ugly bitch taste better? Will it make a fat woman slimmer? Or does it pack some meat on bony booty? So, would you marry an ugly virgin instead of of an extremly hot girl whose only crime was letting one or two dudes shoot some sperm into that pussy coz it had an itch she wanted scratched? In any case, it only takes a single thrust to send it to the graveyard so what’s next after busting that hymen?

Personally, I’ve banged a couple of virgins in my life but I would never do it again. At my age and armed with experience, I won’t date a virgin, leave alone trying to marry one. In my lifetime, I think God has told a lot of virgins to date me but I guess he never tells them that he was joking coz I always talk myself out of that pussy since I hate breaking young women in. In the past, I’ve had to leave women coz no matter what I did, the “training” would’ve taken too long, and resulted in less interesting sex anyway. After all, y’all niggas teaching these bitches how to fuck then they use them tricks on the next nigga after dumping yo ass.

One of my most memorable virgins was a girl who had a titanium hymen that was unpenetratable. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts, I gave up and told her to go fuck another nigga then come back. She hit me up a month later like…. “I did it”, and by time we hung up I was on her doorstep. Maaaan!!! When she peeled off them panties and I slid it in I got the shock of my life! Whoever the nigga she gave the box to was a monster, he tore her shit up! My lil baby didn’t have walls, it’s like he detonated some dynamite in that kitty.

In my opinion, men who like inexperienced women are generally men with little experience themselves and are worried that a partner who has had more experience will find them inadequate by comparison. I once heard a nigga say that sex is an instinct therefore, you don’t need a tutorial for it. That a few days of sex and she will have a repetoire of positions that will give a Koinange Street hooker a run for her money… Seriously, do niggas still believe such bullshit? Virgins know nothing about sex and I don’t like having to teach someone a basic life skill. Sexual ability is like any other activity and there’s no benefit to doing it with someone inexperienced.

Get me a woman who “knows what she’s doing”. I prefer finely aged pussy that looks like blown out tyres, it means that pussy got some experience under her belt. So if your pussy lips don’t look exhausted just put that childish pussy back in your panties, I only need me a pussy with some miles on it. I want a girl who takes pride in sucking dick, not lying on the bed like a dead fish saying ” I can’t do this”. I’m on cloud nine when we’re doing the 69 with my tongue licking out her lips while my dick is just sitting in her mouth like a thermometer. Your sexual history is none of my business unless you have something that I need to be aware of like if you’ve ever fucked drug dealers, thugs or witchdoctors in your life. And even then, numbers are still none of my business coz y’all lie about your body count anyway. Your vagina has not depreciated in retail value merely because a few dicks been shooting sperm in it. There are still a great number of bids on the market. And I say this as someone who’s had his fair share of ladies, and intend to have quite a few more before its said and done. So, if you’re virgin steer clear of my way. I have repeatedly said it here, I don’t need a virgin. Let her be whatever, I don’t need virgin! PERIOD! Well, I can pretty much let any chic suck my dick but to actually get me to do some work too the bitch has to cross a certain threshhold… I’m I happier banging that girl or jerking off? That’s the threshold the girl must pass. For me, no virgin comes close! So, about that, virgins suck, and not in a good way.

Most virgins have romantic ideas about their first sexual experience and they don’t realise that sex is a normal human activity like bathing or eating. There are even guys who go above-and-beyond with big elaborate marriage proposals, big weddings and exotic honeymoon spots but mostly it turns out to be over-hyped let down. The pussy will be mediocre and the experience underwhelming at best so lower your expectations about your first time being “amazing”. He will likely fumble and hit the wrong hole or cum too fast. You’ll be cringing in pain on a day you’re supposed to be enjoying and possibly top that up by peeing on yourself when pain becomes unbearable. Is that the souvenir y’all want to carry for the rest of your lives? Trust me on this, losing it on your wedding day is a bad idea.

First time sex for a girl mostly ends up being a comedy of errors, it’s an experience best buried as a distant memory of your adolescence. I remember when I was still trying to earn my stripes, breaking in virgins was still cool. I mean, we were small boys then… Anyway, one day I go hunting and I bring home a virgin. Ok, she’s a fat… just a bit… Not fat, just biggish. Fuck it, she’s a virgin, it’s what mattered! It’s not like she was easy anyway. I’d pursued her panties so hard I’m even tempted to think she must have stopped at some point to check if she was hiding some diamonds down there. In short, we were in love, or rather, I pretended to be in love. Yeah, she told me to go ahead and blast that hymen. Now, that bitch never seen a hard dick before, so when I whip it out I notice she’s sweating and trembling…

She had been told first time is painful, so I try calm her down. She gives me the go ahead and I’m like lets do it! Lemmi just say hell was the next three minutes of her life, the pain was too much for her, prolly coz bitch couldn’t relax so her pussy got too tight and too dry… I felt some pain too, with such virgins, it’s like diving into an empty pool and breaking the water… But I had a task at hand, so I pushed on. I dunno if it was the pain or excitement that overwhelmed her but in a moment of reckless abandon, she lost self control and let out a rip roaring fart like a Shineray motorcycle exhaust. I ignored that small distraction and waited for a minute for the air to clear but nah! I had to check if there was a dead rat under the bed but found nothing. I wanted the pussy but I couldn’t take it anymore.

In a fit of rage, I expelled her in a rather unceremonious fashion, told her to go learn some manners. Differently put, she had blew me away! The girl went from bliss to devastation in a matter of minutes, which was bad. It dawned on me that the bitch had followed thru’ when I saw a turd on my sheets. She could never face me after that, and it was probably my worst ever attempt at sex but hey, at least I can say I fucked the shit out of her! Looking back, I think sometimes you have to thank God that some things don’t go the way you planned, leaving her was the best thing I ever did. The pimples on her ass will not be missed coz I’m sure she would’ve turned out to be clingy, it’s not everyday a big girl gets some action. It was the last day I banged a virgin, and I swore I’ll never do it again.

Never again, man. Never!

I’m serious fellas. Virgins are just overated. The fact that niggas are out chasing them gets into their head and they start acting that a hymen is a big deal. Why would a woman older than 16 years assume that her virginity is important to anybody other than her parents? By holding on to your virginity you’re only depriving yourself, and shutting out a lot of potential dudes in your circle…

Wise up girls!

Virginity ain’t dignity girls, so to it’s worthless, keeping it and depriving your nigga sex makes him dislike some part of you. There is actually no ‘real’ moral reason to wait, only an arbitrary, religious based, quickly diminishing social stigma on premarital sex. You’re only depriving yourself for no reason. You don’t need permission from society, the government, or the gods to enjoy sex.

So, ladies, if you’re one of those late bloomers “waiting for marriage”, just skip the whole virgin thing, it’s not worth the effort, and it’s good if you have some experience. The good news is that a lot of guys even those that don’t actively pursue virgins, won’t mind if they stumbled upon a cute one, as long as you don’t intend to stay that way. I mean, nobody wants to date you for a year so you can be “ready” to tiptoe forward into your sexuality. Bottomline, you either forget about guys and remain a virgin, or get a guy and lose it. The choice is yours! But if you’re too old, I don’t think men will be interested. Seriously, what would you make of a 27 year virgin? It’s obviously a red flag, as in why did she wait that long while being hounded? Is she trying to increase her value? More likely, her titties got three nipples each or her kitty got morning breath and nobody wants his dick choking on hydrogen sulphide fumes.. Therefore anything over 24 years is a prolly a basket case, you can’t be salvaged!

I’ll let you in on a secret: A lot of women, regardless of experience, are pretty poor in bed. They just lay there like a dead fish and make the man do all the work. So a man’s expectations of a woman in bed is pretty low to begin with. All it takes for you to be good is to be open-minded, enthusiastic and athletic enough to move around. Oh, and don’t use your teeth. For anything. No teeth no matter what. Feel free to use your tongue though. Even if you eventually find out you hate this person who popped up your cherry, at least you haven’t wasted your time. Look on the bright side, you’re getting some dick!

In my next blog I’ll be blessing you with some jewels that actually prove virginity is just a myth sold to the gullible. Finally, lemmi say that if you’re a virgin or chasing one but have learned nothing from reading this then you should read it again about twelve more times till the logic sinks in. I know my theories aren’t for everybody. But if you want to know how to win the dating game, I’ll tell you. It’s not uncommon for people to go, “Whoah, I’m not doing that!”, coz it goes against everything they’ve been told before, but when they let it sink in, they realize it makes sense.

Class up, my friends, and godspeed.

That being said, in the words of a misguided generation…

“I’M OUT BITCHES!!”

W’sup boys and girls? I’M BACK! Y’all miss me? I bet so, but save the applause. It’s been a while since I last dropped some gems here, and I figured the time is just right to hit you niggas with the popular crack that is Self Esteem once more. I’m now grown enough to know better but I’m still doing this shit anyway, it’s a calling. Anyway, after burning out a few neurons trying to come up with some interesting shit, I realized there’s no better topic to cover than the friend zone. Today, I got my nigga Hawk Eye (Kithinji), eyes popping out on some khat juice, he can spot the friend zone 30 miles away…. My nigga Machang’i (real name witheld), furiously scratching the hell out of his balls, you shake his hands at your own risk and I’m not about to catch some herpes from this idiot! And of course, the brains behind the whole operation, yours truly, Nesh (@kraziest_kenyan on twitter) putting all this shit together.

I once got stuck in the friend zone for being too nice to a girl, but it was like fifteen years ago when most of you were still wetting the bed and it changed my whole outlook on how I treat bitches. Lemmi tell you the story…..

There’s this girl I grew up with and we got so close that even in high school when I went over to her house, her folks didn’t even trip when we locked ourselves in her room! Smh… Looking back, I guess her parents prolly thought I was either gay or impotent.

Anyway, one day I was bored AF, even though I’d been spitting into some pussy the previous night. A thought crossed my mind… Her folks were away, and here I was, out of options while that wholesome woman lay in bed all by herself hoping some thirsty dude breaks into her house and beats her walls out of frame. You see, women got a lot of shit going on and sometimes just need a guaranteed dick to make them cum and laugh sometimes.

I took a leap of faith and knocked on her door. She had a see-through dress that instantly made my dick harder than a Japanese crossword puzzle, my nuts were sweating like they were on trial for murder. It was now or never! She started me off with the usual stuff like gossiping n’shit but I didn’t have time for trash talk about her dad’s stupid foray into politics so I quickly changed the subject and started flirting small small. Complimented her round ass… her perky tits… Heck, I even said the gap in her teeth gives me a hard on! I was winning, going by her giggles and the glow in her face. Trump once said, “If you don’t grab a chance, you don’t stand a chance.” Yeah, he hates Kenyans and other unimportant Africans but I believe in him. See, Jesus walked on water, but Trump… That dude walked over bitches! So I took his cue and when time was right, I grabbed her by the pussy just as she was serving me coffee. Well, she stepped back so fast, the damn coffee ended on my nutsack. She was like, “Damn!! Nesh Stoooopp it!!!!”. I told her that my now burning dick only wanted to spend the night beside her cameltoe, but my plans went up in smoke the moment she blurted out, “You know we can’t do that! You’re like a brother to me.”

I had misread the game. Yeah, I thought she wanted me knee deep in her guts but women are slick. It confuses a man when a hoe presents herself like she wants some dick but find out she just wanted attention. You can flirt all night but unless she says some outlandish shit like, “Hey, can you stick your dick in my mouth and swirl?”, you’re going nowhere bruh. Fam, for the first time in my life I had to eat humble pie! That night I talked to my old pal Jesus, then promised God and some of my long forgotten ancestors that I will never fall into the friend zone trap ever again.

I’ve never looked back since, for me, the friend zone simply ceased to exist. Like seriously, no man should have female friends he shouldn’t fuck. The beautiful thing about the friend zone though is you that you can’t be in it if you’re not a friend to that bitch, meaning you got a headstart. If you’re one of those lames still stuck in the friend zone in 2017 relax, I got your back bruh… I’ll school you on how to climb the slippery walls out of the friend zone and jump straight into her panties. Just sit back, read the rest of this post and praise my existence. I know bitches will talk shit but for me, I’ll continue to be unbothered while people hate on me for speaking my mind. I only slut shame coz I care about the future generations of my people more than the feelings of an irresponsible horny woman.

So, How Do You Get In The Friend Zone?

It starts as it always does. You meet a cute girl and start hanging out together. Word on the street is that she got the juicest kitty in the estate… the type that you eat and keep some in the fridge for later. She could be single, or in a relationship and you’re waiting for them to break up… Or you could be a fisi (hyena) eyeing that side nigga box… I see you!! She likes talking with you, she is laughing at your jokes, and you think that she might be into you. You got the patience of a crocodile, sitting in a riverbank waiting and let things come to you. You don’t tell her wassup, just playing nice guy hoping your personality shines thru and gets you noticed. Time goes by and you’re still only friends. Finally you decide that it’s now or never… You reveal your feelings. Then she delivers that oh-so-familiar line: “Let’s just be friends”….Bruh, you’re so deep in the friend zone you that you’ll probably be her maid of honour at her wedding.

It’s nobody’s fault, blame the laws of attraction, but really? Like men, women have their own preferences. Ladies like saying shit like, “There aren’t good men here”, but you know what bitches? It’s coz you keep introducing the good ones to people as “My brother”. Believe me, most of the times a woman’s idea of the ‘perfect man’ is surprising even to her closest friends! If you’re “like a brother” to her you’ll find yourself being texted for relationship advice about the nigga that’s fucking her in the ass. If you actually reply to those texts then you’re a better man than me. You’ll find yourself in malls holding shopping bags for her or telling her whether those jeans make her ass look big. Meanwhile her boyfriend is at his sidechic’s place getting some head. 

Anyway, so, you’ve been trying to find out what that lass tastes like for a while now.. But she won’t even let you get a whiff of it. You realize you’re in hell aka the friend zone. The friend zone is like being trapped in a lesbian bar, you can look all you want but you ain’t getting a whiff of that pussy. At this point, you got two choices, get the fuck out of there or keep letting her call you her “brother.” If you stay on then you’re just a breathing asshole, a real man will do whatever it takes to stay out of the friend zone.

Escaping The Friend Zone

Now you’re probably asking, how do I stay out of this? Well, for starters, try dropping a few hints here and there that platonic friendship really isn’t what you’re looking for coz you’re not a homosexual… If that doesn’t work, move on to the next step, which is not showing the bitch any attention. The best way to get her attention is to act like you don’t want it. Why should you text her back mad fast while the last nigga she fucked hasn’t texted her in three days? Coincidence? I think not nigga. Just let her text you first, text back and when she texts again don’t even respond. Everybody knows the longer it takes you to reply, the quicker she’ll give up her cookie jar. These days you have to act like you don’t like somebody to grasp their attention, we are in the childish generation! Now if that doesn’t work, try fucking with her friends.. Women are jealous and emotional creatures. If she notices you heyboo’n her best friend she’ll get possessive coz even though she won’t even let you smell the box you’re still “her’s.” This makes no goddamn sense at all but hey, when do women ever really make sense? If she asks you, tell her point blank that if she won’t let you fuck then she got no business stopping you from getting pussy from one of her girlfriends. After trying these three easy tasks, you should have effectively juked your way out of the friend zone… But if not, just text her and tell her you wanna eat her out. She either gonna let you or call you a creep, but at least you won’t be that queer in the friend zone. 

Avoiding the friendzone

Now you see how to detect the friend zone and how to escape it. Time to show you ninjas how to avoid it altogether. Avoiding the friend zone is a crutial skill all men (and women alike) should have. The friend zone is like a hoe’s crack, nothing good has ever come from it, just STDs and fatherless kids. The first thing you need to do to avoid the “Bestie” zone is let her know your intentions up front. Let her know you’re not one of those ninjas who get comfortable with ‘haha’ but still be in the same spot two years later. That simply means that sometimes you gotta take your thirst a step further and leave it on Instagram pics she just posted. It might seem creepy, but sometimes you have to stalk a bitch to show her you wanna be with her. If ‘likes’ won’t work just tell her straight up, “Girl, just drop that lame… My lies sound better than his” and see how that plays out… On a serious note though, that might just end up as a spectacular fail. Check the odds first, before you take the risk. I know, it hurts when you love them but they don’t love you back, but hold up! Just tell her making girls squirt is your sole ambition in life, without throwing shade at other niggas. I’d want a bitch to fuck me coz she wants to and not what I said about another that she’s dealing with. If you do that you’re a psycho. I just can’t talk down about another dude to a chic just so that she gives me some pussy. I mean, I’m chasing this bitch…. She’s chasing this nigga…. While this nigga is chasing other bitches…. She’s a dumb bitch! She doesn’t deserve me… Bitch, If I can’t get your full undivided attention, then I don’t want shit to do with your ass. Honesty can be a difficult thing to a person with no options but that has never been my problem. You only have to let her know you wanna fertilize her eggs, she just have to answer ‘aye’ or ‘nay’. Or, if you’re texting each other, try changing the conversation to a sexual topic with something like a smoking penis emoji; if the sad excuse of a woman keeps you waiting for a reply, you got a decision to make! If you don’t hear from her in 3-5 business days, it’s a wrap… Move on bruh. 

Critical gem: DON’T LET HER TALK TO YOU ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH OTHER NIGGAS. OK, ladies, If you’re talking but you’re not talking about letting me fuck… You’re not really talking to me… Well, maybe… But I’m not listening. I don’t care who it is! So, If she texts you talking about “My dad is in hospital” text back “Chill girl, you know I’m not trying to hear you talk about other guys except me”. Best friends give relationship advice, I don’t. You shouldn’t either!! Just coz you let a bitch dump her face on your lap it doesn’t mean she gets to dump her problems there too!

Always remember you don’t have to be nice to her.. Matter of fact not being nice is in your best interest. I always tell bitches not to waste time calling me to run errands for them. I mean, why should I help you move furniture around the house if we’re not fucking when I’m finished? Ever heard the saying “nice guys finish last?”. Well, this phrase was coined and created by light skin women and has seemed to be embraced by them all.. So don’t be that guy.

Another thing to keep in mind is that she’s a woman so she doesn’t know what she wants. So leaving the decision up to her on what your relationship status with her is ain’t a good idea. See, it’s a well known fact that women are as indecisive as Kalonzo. For example: She gives up the box and then she tries to friend-zone you? I have been scammed that way, and trust me, it’s one of the most confusing conversations you will ever have. This is a classic hoe move though. Your best bet is to count your losses my nigga and let her go…. If she wants a friend she can use her imagination. So, all in all be assertive… Don’t give any relationship advice.. And cut the nice guy act and you too can stay friend zone free.

The Past

When young male lions reach adulthood, a physical confrontation ensues for the leadership of the pride in a vivid display of Charles Darwin’s ‘SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES THEORY’. The whole kit and caboodle of aspirants engage each other in a savage battle for leadership whose primary aim is to dethrone the incumbent, which in a weird manner, is the human equivalent of political transition. In this supremacy battle, fuelled solely by testosterone and raw instinct rather than campaign pledges, kinships are discarded and the females in the pride just sit pretty and watch with glee as the males tear each other in a fight the antagonists would rather die in battle than walk away with his head bowed down in shame for lack of courage.

The survival of a species, according to Darwin, can only be assured by procreation.. It’s simple, if you don’t breed, you’re extinct! How is the fight for dominance among male lions relevant to their survival, you might ask… See, in the untamed jungle where survival is a matter of life and death, the ability to hunt for food and security from others who might think you would make a great dinner are as important as the ability to breed. These three primers find meaning in a single word, GENE! The strongest male in the fight for dominance, must by default be the most reliable protector from other predators.. His battle agility also means he’s the best hunter around and when times are hard, he can be relied upon to lead sorties to snatch prey lesser but equally agressive mortals have already hunted. These superb traits are the hallmark of superior genes, the type than need to see the inside of a pussy so that future offspring inherit these traits which are VITAL for the survival of the species. In fact, one of the trappings of power associated with being the dominant male in the pride is the holding of exclusive mating rights with all the females in the pride, ensuring weaker males don’t get a chance to pass on inferior genes thus eliminating weaklings and genetic errors that would be disastrous for the species from the family tree. The other males must move on to live a solitary life, gamble their luck by challenging for leadership of another pride or eat humble pie and remain in the pride as a foot soldier consigned to a lifetime of playing spectator to live porn sessions, only deriving sexual satisfaction by jacking off! A century or so ago, African men shared this sort of lifestyle with their cousins in the jungle.

The Conspiracy

That was before the tag-team of colonialists and missionaries, united together in a conspiracy to steal our resources in form of labour, land and wealth raided our party and branded it primitive. Their concerted efforts, whether by brutal force and coercion perfected by colonialists to forcefully take away land, or the cunning smooth talking missionaries preying on the minds of the gullible and dehumanised on the pretext of selling hope, where failure to give offerings and submission to voluntary taxation at an obscenly exorbiant rate of 10% on ALL EARNINGS were masked with a thinly veiled threat of being locked out of the blessings party. This selling of hope to make a populace already dehumanised by the colonialsists, was ironically, meant to make them enjoy their poverty. After all, doesn’t the good book talk of ‘Happy are the poor, for they shall inherit God’s kingdom’? So, how did the two manage to break the ego of the African Alpha male, reversing our evolutionary trajectory and in the process threatening our survival as a sub-species at risk?

The Colonialists

These savage m’fuckas kicked the African man in the balls, severly denting his self esteem and thus, loss of respect and consequently his authority among his subjects was rapidly diminished, translating to lack of power and control over them.

By forcefully taking away land, the hitherto hard working african male was crippled as he no longer could assure food security to his charges. Losing to the white man in the fight for land meant that his subjects viewed him as inferior, his authority was no longer absolute. This meant his orders could be ignored, a cardinal sign of
disrespect.

Thirdly, these fellas came along with tools that made raw human strength irrelevant in the survival battle. This development fundamentally altered our Evolutionary trajectory, where mental strength gained precedence over physical strength.

The white men, proved to the amusement of locals, that a scawny malnourished fella could dispatch a giant of a man to kingdom come by just pulling a trigger, severly denting the aura of invincibility that radiated from the proud African warriors.. Similary, an overfed idiot could outrun their best warriors by simply hauling his belly around in the convinience of a car.

The Missionaries

What colonialists couldn’t achieve with a gun, the missionaries achieved through brainwashing. How these ‘men of God’ managed to make grown men rubbish and trash their own beliefs.in favour of alien beliefs still baffles me.. Perhaps it was due to their humility or maybe because our African Dieties didn’t seem too keen to help us out when the Colonialists were making honourable men prepare meals and wash their wives panties or being ordered around by their toddlers. This wouldn’t be far fetched, since, african religions assured immediate punishments for the oppressors but this was not forthcoming, Christianity instead, promised rewards in heaven after enduring a life of humiliation and punishment for the oppresor who brought death upon the oppressed. In short, they were selling hope, and were damn good at it. Christianity gave people to take their suffering gracefully, it was worth the gamble since nobody died and came back from heaven or hell with some gossip.

These men of God, using the good book to back their claims, dealt the lethal blow that set the african alpha male on an almost irreversible path to self destruction by using a slick tongue to destroy values and beliefs that devoured him to the soul…..

(a) Medicine

This scientific marvel, a charitable act used by missionaries as a pawn to win souls ensured that weaklings who didn’t even have enough energy to swat off mosquitos from gang raping them got a chance to live, and thus a chance to mate females ensuring passage of their inferior genes to future generations, a disaster for survival of the powerful alpha male.

(b) initiation

As a rite of passage, male circumcision was the physical evidence of transition to adulthood. A potential initiate was expected to face the circumsiser, a traditional surgeon whose sole of trade was a rusty blunt knife, which without the luxury of anaesthesia, meant
amplification of the pain. The boy was expected to prove that he was fit for the high calling of manhood by courageously bearing the excrutiating pain without flinching or making a sound. But these men of cloth, uncircumsised themselves, quickly dismissed it as evil, unclean and retrogressive. They introduced a ‘christian version’ of the same where boys painlessly face the knife in the comfort of a hospital theatre and instead of the age old tradition where initiates received instruction meant to acquint them with the protocol and behaviour restrictions demanded by the high title of manhood or how to gain riches to support a dozen or so wives, they got instruction on the bible, which made them proud to be poor and declared it a sin to wife more than one woman.

(c) humility

While a real man had to give security to himself and family by resisting and using force to deter would be attackers, again, the missionaries declared, that it’s a sin to exert revenge and in fact, a man should turn the other cheek and wait on the Lawd to punish the culprit. This philosophy soon found it’s way into the laws of our land, a plot by a small band of weak but intelligent men making up the ruling class to take away the last of the freedoms enjoyed by the Alpha male. Strange that after a man hits you, instead of settling it the old fashioned way, an honourable man is forced to endure the humiliation of narrating injuries inflicted by his adversary in public, to a judge who doesn’t give a damn about honour or respect. Then in an act of final submission, beg him to punish the offender on your behalf, by feeding the fucka on your taxes while he’s enjoying his time getting his anus raptured in some jail.

(d) monogamy

The polygamous lifestlye of the alpha male was a clear display of his superior genes. A large number of mating partners meant that such females were awed by his ability to feed his family, of course measured in riches. It also assured the survival and retention of the alpha male dominance thru siring of several offspring. The Bible had a reality check for this lot, polygamy meant a spending eternity in the eternal flames of hell as reward for a lifetime of enjoying the luxury of sampling all the pussy wealth could by. The limited and controlled breeding could only spell doom, like I mentioned earlier, if you don’t breed, you’re done!

(e) education

Apart from the word, missionaries embarked on a project to enlighten the natives by teaching them to read and write. Naturally, the favoured candidates chosen to learn the art of holding a pen, were chosen by the same cassock wearers who led mass of course and by default, primary beneficiaries were the altar boys who bent over during mass rituals and made the priests stammer on prayer chants, long loose cassocks masked the more incrimminating physical reaction. These altar boys were chosen for their spirituality and humility, by priests who taught them how to pray, yet uknowingly, they were the prey he was eyeing.. I bet they could sniff the most gullible, fearful and the greediest for material favours from the wannabe students. I’m one of those who believe purpoting to be celibate while still having a functional penis and a pair of balls still intact as part of your anatomy is bullshit.

These young lads thought they were balling waltzing on village footpaths with the unmistakable swagger that screamed ‘I’ve made it’ in shiny shoes, a short and a shirt as their contemporaries spent their days darting thorns as they went around their business of herding goats clad in their birthday suits. I bet the altar boys weren’t balling when faced with a 10″ italian dick though. Maybe it was out of fear or they found the idea of getting some fun out of a waste hole that only churns out foul smelling gas and shit appealing, but what’s clear is that many kept their dirty secrets. Of course their education made them dominant over their uneducated peers and that meant better jobs, wealth, power and potential mating females swarmed them. This lot, having acquired a taste for the queer, nevertheless had to marry women to try fit into a society that was still conservative then. But their weird traits found their way to the current generation.. If you’re wondering why we got so many in betweens from well-off families whose sole claim to masculinity is a penis and a scrotum dangling btn their legs, that should explain it.. You know, the type that find it sexy to perm or braid their hair and think it’s okay to wear earings and random visits to their gynae for treatment of skinny jeans induced yeast infections..

(f) doctrine of ‘equality’

A rational man would have concluded that the above teachings would be enough to inspire the Alpha male into preparing for his own funeral by going castket shopping or start digging his own grave, but the missionaries still had one last ace up their sleeves, it was the doctrine of equality of all before the eyes of the Lordd and a declaration that no sin is greater than the other. Seemingly harmless at face value, but with far reaching implications on male dominance. Thus, a good man’s act of ridding the world of a menace by killing a violent robber while simultaneously curtailing his ability to mate in future and contaminate the human genome was just as bad as the thug’s barbaric acts of robbing his hard working victims then rubbing salt to the raw wound by murdering his victims. The edict that is everybody equal rubbished the whole idea of working hard to gain respect, authority and power since it is meaningless to work sweat your ass off to win the respect of fellow men yet for all your troubles, it wouldn’t translate in any special status once we get into heaven. Adolf Hitler, who presided over a massacre of 20 million jews, was perhaps reacting to his disillushionment with this fact when he famously declared that “I would rather reign in hell than serve in Heaven”.

The Female Domination

By now you’re probably thinking that someone should have hammered the last nail on the fuckin coffin already.. But wait! There’s the small matter that man and woman are also equal before the almighty. It’s obvious that this doctrine wouldn’t fly based on physical strength as the standard. The explanation was contrary to popular belief, man didn’t enjoy superior status or responsibilities.

The outstanding thing about this proposition is that it lacks both evolutionary or Biblical backing. Even Erick Latiff’s lazy eye can spot from a mile away that man is the stronger sex, hence his tasking to provide security, both literally and foodwise. An entry level Bible scholar just starting on the book of Genesis will tell you for free why by a majority vote of three (God, Son and Holy Ghost) to nil, a unanimous decision was made to create a woman as a helper to man, from his rib no less, with the primary tasking of easing his loniliness by pleasuring him, serving him obidiently and bearing children.

The Present

Evolutionally, men have changed little in their response to threats to their survival. Remember, breeding guarantees survival, and thus the ability to find and pass on our genes to potential females is our primary survival instinct. We’re in our element showing off muscle as a deterrent to scare away potential threats to the females we fancy.. We flaunt our wealth to prove we can feed a family.. We cheat as much as we can to ensure a huge number of our genes see the future…

In short, conflict and competition between men just revolves around women. It’s true that a heavy weight champ would turn into pulp just coz of a woman.

Women, unlike men, have made huge strides in the evolutionary trajectory. Their realization that they have the ability to influence mens’ emotions has been used with devastating consequences. Feminists, the female equivalents of the alpha male, upon realizing that men would give in to almost any demand as a condition to taste some pussy, started making demands that would ultimately pose the greatest threat to male survival. Politically correct terms like gender equality, women empowerment rapidly gained popularity, and a leader worth his salt had to show support to these causes.

Resistance for accomodation results in near unorthodox means like witholding of conjugal rights.

The Danger

The successful battle for equality being waged by women, and the now fashionable trend of ‘independence’ whereby successful ladies find a random male to sire kids for her and takes the responsibility of providing everything without a man’s help.

Right now, it’s only a matter of time before technology makes us irrevant.. Doubting? Just look around… All those sex toys for women. When are they making some hot pussies for men?.. If you’re dumb enough that a dildo just popped up to help you satisfy her, you’re wrong! Women have always been bi, and their association with the crudely rough male was merely for procreation and protection. With modernity, these threats are minimal and she can do most of the stuff she needed a man for a century ago. That’s why many are exploring their more gentlier lesbian side, which promises real love, not the illusion of it perpetrated by males driven by an unconsicous urge to deposit sperm and hunt the next female.

The only thing making them hang around is the fact that they can’t survive on their own coz they need a male to reproduce.. But that reprieve will vanish as soon as human cloning becomes a reality. For your info, it’s scientifically feasible, but the men that pack parliaments world over, perhaps in a survival instinct, ban it on moral grounds.

When a lady can get pregnant from her own cell and give birth to a clone of herself, with zero chance for genetic errors, it will usher in female domination and the inevitable extinction of the human male.

Men are genetically programmed to be either straight as an arrow or gay, no in betweens. In contrast, all women are bi by nature, there is evidence to prove that lesbianism is not accidental.
Courtship is the process of attracting a mating partner, and the product is referred to as love. However, love is heavily influenced by hormonal flactuations. Female hormones are responsible for the feeling of love and this gender craves long term relationships, while male hormones are responsible for agressive male behaviour, and as such not helpful in courtship. The male display of affection is influenced by temporary surges in levels of female hormones and this feminine behaviour, ends as soon as copulation is over. It must be emphasized that primary reason for courtship is procreation, not sexual satisfaction. Unconcisiously, a male is looking for the best traits of a mother, while the female is shopping for a provider and
protector.

Regaining Domince

The rapid rise in lesbianism is a direct consequence of a female populace that’s becoming more independent of male as a result of economic and social empowerment. This proves that a strong female is a disaster to manhood. To remain relevant, the steady rise of females need to be stopped. In addition, the need for the alpha male to re-inuent and assert himself in tandem with a threat matrix that’s getting complex and unpredictable by the day. The big question is, “DO WE STILL HAVE THIS RARE BREED OF MEN AROUND?”.. If you can answer that, then you have the answers to our collective future…